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青山依旧在，几度夕阳红June 30 纪J君得知J君不幸消息，难抑悲伤沉痛。
于我，更有些懊恼，因了自己过去的不关心。
大学同班4载，真正无数温暖回忆。
想起大一竞选我反讽他演讲时他温和的笑；
想起他因了打工挣学费上课时的困顿劳累；
想起他东北腔的英语，总如江水滔滔不绝，连绵不断；
想起后座时，我们四人小组（朱，顾）的嬉笑怒骂，配合无间；
想起一起打网球时的菜鸟样；
想起他一手好钢琴，指挥大家排练Memory；
想起他远高于同龄人对于佛教的领悟（却忽视了他的因无所住而生其心）；
想起他无数次的经验分享；
遗憾上次回去聚会的错失；
想起他的坚忍，包容与努力，
无法不唏嘘。
谨以memory一首，怀念J君种种，
也愿大家仍然怀了美好的回忆，珍惜生活。
MEMORY
(from CATS)
Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower And a rose that is fading Roses whither away Like the sunflower I yearn to turn my face to the dawn I am waiting for the day . . . Midnight Not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone In the lamplight The withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind begins to moan Memory All alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then I remember the time I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again Every streetlamp Seems to beat a fatalistic warning Someone mutters And the streetlamp gutters And soon it will be morning Daylight I must wait for the sunrise I must think of a new life And I musn't give in When the dawn comes Tonight will be a memory too And a new day will begin Burnt out ends of smoky days The stale cold smell of morning The streetlamp dies, another night is over Another day is dawning Touch me It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is Look A new day has begun May 09 SELF CONFESSION我要更积极地投入现实生活
我很久不敢也不愿表达自己的想法，因为厌恶自己弱者似的抱怨或者好高骛远的计划，害怕面对自己懦弱的内心。毕业以来，经历种种挣扎，根本在于对生活有不切实际的幻想和对自己的过高估计。锐气已挫，傲气已折。然而，我的心仍不肯停止向往，想望。我还是想要出众（执念当然可以追溯到童年）。然而身体的病痛不得不让我承认自己的脆弱。年华逝去一事无成的恐惧与焦虑如此真实，以致我只得想尽各种方法逃避。2月搬家以来，我打电话的记录已经破了我24年的记录。不管是因为孤单，不安还是焦虑，我不得不承认，我的生活需要调整。单纯的学习不再能让我对生活抱有兴趣和热忱，我已经开始感觉到思考的“虚幻”。我不再关心所谓的“他人的生活”。甚至，是的，我知道我可以帮助一些人，但是我却懒得伸手去帮，我的心甚至吝于同情和怜惜，我开始躲避困苦老人的眼睛。我痛恨自己变成这样一个冷血的人，但是同时有另外一个声音执着的说：那么你呢，谁来同情你，关心你？没有爱，你怎么付出爱？我心里清楚的知道，这些不过是借口，事实是我开始选择只关注自己，生活得愈发自私，逼仄和苍白。
我也终于意识到，就我而言，所谓的坚持和清高，只是还未真正碰到考验。在现实面前，我要先能学会很好的生存下去才有资格讨论这些精神上的东西。清高，只是一种偏见似的骄傲。现实的世界是，我到现在为止，还什么都不是。所以骄傲什么呢，为什么不能聆听呢，为什么不能低头呢？如果足够坚持和相信自己的原则，为什么会心生不安，为什么还要为自己辩护，为什么不能坦然承认别人意见做法的合理性？
有些东西必须接受。思量来思量去，折腾来折腾去，也只会那样，什么都不会改变。所以不如就放下。有什么呢？我要的我都会通过自己的努力取得，自然最好是上天肯给我些运气。但是亦有些东西争不得也不可争，那么就轻轻一笑，且绕了去，专心走自己的路。实际也许是一个至大的美德，接受不可改变的，不生不恰当的企盼，心自安宁。
人都是贪心的，总想要最好的，但是你是否配得？你是否能承担这个代价呢？不是自我否定，每个人恐怕都有极限，有些东西后天再怎么努力也无从突破，我只想要自己不再生活在梦幻中，接受现实。谁不想飞翔，如果没有翅膀，那也只有踏踏实实走路了。尝试欣赏大地的美好。反复计较“我为什么不是一只鸟，为什么没有翅膀”，只显得姿态难看，徒增笑料。说到底，每个人都有自己的路要走，就是这样。
至于爱情，还是得之我幸，不得我命。爱情之外的生活也很是广阔。人海茫茫，相遇了又分开，投机的多说几句，没有可能，就应该前行。我要放下我的妄念，执念。珍重爱护自己。面包会有的，爱情会有的，且存了这信念，轻松前行。我会努力，我会坚强，我会成长。
我近期很受宗教吸引，概因人在低落困苦的时候，自我意识没有那么强烈，更易寻求和接受强大力量的存在。且不管其宗旨，宗教确具治愈功能，使人得喜乐安宁。大多朋友远离忌讳宗教，实际上在我看来，宗教不过是人对生活作出的反应或者某种生活的指导，就这个意义而言，所有这样的系统都可以是宗教，甚至比如无神论，比如共产主义，比如现在已经宗教化的“成功”。我很同意William James 在"The varieties of Religious Experience"里对宗教的总结：“Not God, but life, more life, a larger, richer, more satisfying life, is, in the last analysis, the end of religion.” 这个当然只是我比较实用型的理解。说到底，就是J.H. Leuba 那句话“God is not known, he is not understood; he is used”（我最近读了较多心理学哲学宗教学的书）。
最后引用《Tuesdays with Morrie》一句话提醒我自己：“你的时间很有限，所以不要将它浪费在过别人的生活上。也不要掉入教条的陷阱—在别人的意旨中生活。不要让别人的观点左右你自己的思想。最重要的是，鼓起勇气，倾听你的心与直觉，冥冥之中，它们其实早已知道你真正想要成为的样子”。
ps. 很推荐Jonathan Livingston Seagull March 07 给所有迷茫着的朋友偶见良言，深以为然，拾人牙慧，与吾友共勉。
“For what it's worth，it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. ”
又
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be somthing solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.” --Barbara Winter February 06 Now it really feels like winter: London Snow Outside my window
 Morning Chiswick
 Follow the couple, entrance to a park
 Lost in the park, but who cares...breathtaking...
Father & Son, you bet! They turned out to be a couple! 
Dance like no one is watching!
As usual, I ran out of patience. Let the pictures speak for themselves - almost a fairy Land.
Please note the dog though. I so envy him: can show his "欣喜若狂" by running all over the place while I can only watch and sigh...
Man, now it is a proper winter!
January 12 Try to Remember回国见许多朋友，未及细细絮叨，已只得匆匆道别，微有遗憾。
但见大学旧友音容依旧，美丽阳光如昔，恍若从未有过去时间和距离的隔阂，深感欣慰。
高中同学言谈间都是彼时趣事，相互取笑间仿佛回到从前。
又翻10班毕业短片，一时无数美好时光与大家熟悉笑靥展现，无法不想念大家。、
转短片主题曲于此，聊寄思念与祝福。
新的一年，且祝大家都找到自己喜欢的人，找到自己要走的路。
Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh so mellow Try to remember the kind of September When grass was green and grain was yellow Try to remember the kind of September When you were a young and callow fellow Try to remember and if you remember Then follow, follow, follow Try to remember when life was so tender And no one wept except the willow Try to remember when life was so tender And dreams were kept beside your pillow Try to remember when life was so tender When love was an ember about to billow Try to remember and if you remember Then follow, follow Deep in December it's nice to remember Although you know the snow will follow Deep in December, it's nice to remember Without a hurt, the heart is hollow Deep in December, it's nice to remember The fire of September, that made us mellow Deep in December our hearts should remember And follow...follow December 06 旧文一篇出来晒晒还是05年写作课上小练习文一篇 The Sun Rises and the Sun Sets By Chunyan Ye She dropped from the tall building, like a free stone hit hard on the cement. The brains and blood miraculously form a bright red rose in full blossom, vivid and evil. I am satisfied with the effect, exactly as I planned. No one knew her. The neighbors only caught a glimpse of her when she moved in. She moved in alone, carrying a heavy box. A woman will send her all kinds of necessities once a week. That’s all they knew about her. Of course, they knew little of me. But I knew them, these selfish indifferent people, all walking corpse. Whatever. They are to be pitied, to suffer another thirty years. I am eager to see their regretting face when they realized that they strived severely for nothing but death. So the police wrote: “Feb 28, 2014, a girl committed suicide. Reason unclear. Only left a note saying that the money in the envelope should be given to the cleaner of her body scrap”. I saw their pale faces, these coward cops. But I like their brief way of writing. I had always wished to be an objective and economic writer. Anyhow, I was sorry for the cleaner to sweep away my crushed body. I had always intended no trouble for others. That may be the only merit I ever have. Then the man from the bank came. He explained that the dead girl had just paid 5 years’ house mortgages, leaving another 20 years unpaid. So the bank took the house as repossession. That’s cool. The four five is completely beyond me. I almost committed another 20 years for that kind of shabby house. A lucky escape. He was called to come because that’s the only telephone number found in the girl’s flat. Learning that she had committed suicide, he simply nodded and said that she should have translated another two books as the prior contract had promised. I do not blame him at all. He had always kept his promise - as long as I send the translation script on time, he would pay me on time. He never failed me and I’m sort of regretting to fail him. Now the house was almost empty, leaving only papers and books scattered around. Finally came the old woman with cleaning utensils. She searched the entire flat and only found a small locked box in the wall behind the door. She hit it open but there was only a copy of diary. “Diary, ah diary, you deem it precious and private?” She laughed bitterly and her wrinkles clutched together: “Poor silly, there is no place for privacy – the only place is in your heart. You should know that better.” However, she randomly flipped open one page and started to read: 12.11My parents finally abandoned me, leaving me alone in the world. I did not cry at the two funerals. The winter is extremely cold this year. I have been in bed for two days but no one called… 12.27 Another friend got marred today. The bride is beautiful, talented and tactical with shinning smile. I am an anti-shinning creature, so I planned an early secret retreat. 01.06 There was an alumni gathering tonight. However, I wouldn’t go. How I ever bare to meet those empty politician or dull professors or self-conceited bankers or liar lawyers or greedy businessman? Actually nor I dare. So I ate instant noodles and lay still in bed all night, watching a spider trying to amend its net in the upper corner of the ceiling. Hi spider, you should feel lucky. No calculations, no gimmicks, no betrayal and no sorrow. How I wish men are all separate islands. 01.29 I fell for no man nor any man fell for me. I even doubt if I ever like my fellow human beings. That’s pretty fair. Love is a miracle and miracle as it suggests, only happens one in a million. Ah, of course, there are many other go under the name of love, say, lust, greed ,loneliness, ambition, emptiness, ethics, religion, politics and business, etc., etc. 02.21 I’ve translated 35 books since I graduated from the university, barely managing to make a living. Actually most are NY bestsellers, coaching others how to be happy or success. After devoting 1 month on one such book, I found myself repeating myself on the following 2 years. They sold well for a reason – there is a great demand for this; they continued to sell well as there is an increasingly demand for this – the prior not-satisfied reader and the new answer seeker; I can see the snowball rolling on and on, maybe to eternity, if there is one. 02.25 I have given up pursuing the meaning of life long ago. Vain, all in vain. Today, it struck me suddenly when I looked into the mirror: I can’t recognize myself. I can’t recognize my life. There is only a pale ghost living in a grave yet colder and crueler than the real one… 02.28 I am scared. I am so tired. The weight of life is beyond me, or the lightness? You see, I can not even put my thoughts clearly. Can/shall I make my last decision? I’d like have the choice to choose live or not. I haven’t seen blood for years. I shall suck my own blood. That’ll be fun. And the last word: ah, life. The woman could not carry on. Bursting into tears, she murmured: “I also graduated from the college and since 2001 bubble I have been sweeping floor for life and yet I am still living. It’s silly. Wholly crap.” She threw the diary like a hideous disease, straight out of the window, dried the tears and began dusting. “A generation goes and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. Also, the sun rises and the sun sets; and hastening to its place it rises there again.” The words suddenly flew out of me. I smiled, let go, got the last glance of the room and left. No lingering.
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